Saturday, 26 June 2010

Cool yer jets.

Ah wiz eatin an icepole the other day an ah strted tae think aboot hot days an cool sweetis fae oor day at the High Wall.
When me an Arkos went doon tae wir Grannies at Porty efternoons wir aye meant fir the pictures. Before hand we wid be doon at the golfie or at the beach daein whit bairns did then ( lookin fir crabs, searchin fur porn or empty juice boatles). So by the time wi goat tae the George wi wir well cookin, in summer that is.
So whit did wi buy? A jubbly!
Now they didnae look like the picture ye can see above, but a cannie find a real picture oan the net!
It wiz a plastic cup shaped thing wi a foil cap, it wiz reallly meant fur drinkin but the wee sweet shoap by the George used tae freeze thum an sell thum tae hot lookin gadgies oan thur way tae the pictures.
Well the boy thit wiz in charge oh security at the George (the Usher) wiz called Baldie. Ah dinnae think thit ah huv tae go intae any detail oh why wi cried um that.
Anyways he wiz a bastard fir no wantin jubblys in his picture hoose. So ye wur forced tae try an finish yur jubbly afore the doors opened fur lettin ye in.
It wiz shite. Ye wir tryin tae suck oh the goodnesss oot oh the jubbly and it wiz fuckin freezin. Yer lips wid be blue wi the cauld an yer teeth wud be chatterin but ye wurnae happy an till oh ye hud left wiz a see through bit oh ice wi nae colourin in it.
Oan a hot High Wall day it wiz worth the effort anyday. But if that Baldy basturd hddnae been there maybee wi could huv savoured it a wee bit mair!

Check out the link

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Death from above

A wiz watchin a war film the other day an a sees this helicopter wi a name oan the front sayin "Death from above".
So ah gits tae thinkin aboot oor death fi above in the shape oh a water filled blimp an a boy whae owned the local chippie. Me an Arkos hud been fuckin aboot wi wee baloons filled wi water. e wid wait at oor 4th flare tenement windae fur somebody tae walk past underneath. Up tae this time wi hud only managed tae hit the mongo whae lived in oor street.
If ye wir quick ye could aim, drop, hit an duck back in the windae withoot gittin caught.
It wiz gittin a bit boarin so wi decided tae go fur gold.
Wi goat oorsels a "blimp" balloon. Man wiz it big!. It looked a bit like King Kongs flunkie effter he hud been shaggin wi it fur a week. So wi takes it intae the lavvy an wi start running water intae it. Noo this thing is gettin fuckin heavy, me an Arkos cannie really hold it nae mair so wi tie a knot in the neck an wi huv tae roll it through the hall tae the livvin room windae. If the fuckin thing hud burst noo, the wummin doon stairs wud huv been oh hands tae the pumps an Arkos an me widnae huv been able tae walk fur a week.
So wi git intae the bombers position an wi roll the blimp up the wall ontae the windae ledge. So far sae good its still in one piece, but no fur long.
Ahm in the bombers seat coz Arkos is a bit worried, ah couldnae help masell coz if ye telt me thit ye dare me tae dae somethin then am oaf like a fuckin shoat!
Ave seen the newsreels oh the bomb aimers in the war so ah ken whit am up tae. Ah poak ma heid oot he windae past the blimp an take stock oh whits goin oan. Well wid ye credit it. A Jag hus jist pulled up an oot gits the boy whae owns the local chippie. If this wiz war time this wid be a prime target, a ball bearing factory or an ammo dump if ye kenn whit ah mean!
So hes oot the car, dressed in ees best duds inaw, silk suit, brown loafers an a camel hair crombie he looks a bit like yon Fanucci boy fae Godfather 2.
Now if the gadgie hud been tacticaly aware he wud huv noticed oor earlier atempts which appeared as water come bomb craters oan the pavement. He wuz nain the wiser. Noo he made ees next mistake. he stoaps in oor line oh sight an pulls oot a cuban cigar an hes in the process oh lightin up.
Well ah seen ma windae oh opportunity, ah took careful aim, judged the wind direction counted tae 5 an let rip, bombs away.Ah can still see this huge blimp tumbilin through the clear air fae four flairs up. it wiz like slow motion.
Thir wiz a huge crack as the blimp hit um square oan the heid! Hes knees buckled wi the weight but he stood hes ground. Ah cannie resist gettin some intelligence oan the damage tae the target, an ma partner in crime Arkos hus tae uv a deek anaw. Yur man is standin there wi hiz legs wide apart the cuban is stillin hes mooth but its no burnin, hes duds ur soakt an he looks a bit dizzy anaw coz hes swayin. He starts tae glance up but me n Arkos ur practiced at this game an we ur aff intae the livin room mission accomplished.
The last memory ahve goat o him is the picture oh the gadgie swayin doon the road drippin wet cigar still in hes mooth wonderin what the fuck happened.
We didnae git caught this time but the mission success wiz short lived ah wiz caught bi flac fae a bearded studenty gadgie coz ah sprayed hes washin but thats another story.

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

A musical interlude

Found this on YouTube

Respect to oor Southside Brothers whoever you may be...

Tuesday, 1 June 2010

Ye can take a horse tae water.

Ah wiz listenin tae radio 4 the other day an a heard thit acordin tae a survey done in the UK, only 11% oh parks huv still goat drinkin fountains.
So ah wiz thinkin aboot how we went aboot gettin the wet stuf when we wir bairns. Now thir wir a couple oh fountains in the Meadows but a kannie remember thit they ivvir worked. So ye hud a drink oot oh the tap afore ye left the hoose an efter that ye wir a camel! We nivvir hud money fur a boatle oh juice an the only coke we saw wiz when ye wir at the lavvy. If ye wir in a gairdin where thir wiz a hose then ye hud a quick slug before ye went oan yir way, we drunk oot oh rivirs an streams an if ye wir up the Park then thir wiz the fountain there where ye could git a drink an that wiz the closest we came tae mineral water but that wiz it.
So ah dinnae kenn whit thir moanin aboot a reckon thit thir wiz less thin 11% oh parks wi a fountain when we were bairns but wir oh still goan strong.

If ye want tae read aboot how unfortunate the bairns ur nowadays then huv a quick deek yersel!